Trapped in the Friend Zone

Composed by

Scotty Brooks ~ The Mad Afrikan

There exists a place of frustration aplenty. Where many a man has found himself hopelessly trapped, unable to escape. A fortified fortress, so impenetrable that were he a real man Hercules himself could not conquer. This colorless, odorless, place of existence is called The Friend Zone. If you want to know what it is like being trapped in the Friend Zone imagine a mime attempting to get out of a box, you know that stupid trick they do. The one where there is nothing but air around them but for the life of them they are unable to get out of that ephemeral box. One would be hard pressed to find a man that has not been trapped in the Friend Zone. This zone is the place where a woman that you are friends with, but would like to pursue romantically, places you when she wants to keep your relationship platonic. You try, albeit in vain to escape, you might even be bold enough to tell her how you really feel, all for naught.

Men must realize that the key to the Friend Zone can only be held by women and a woman is the only one who can free you from the dreaded Friend Zone. Many men have attempted to escape the Friend Zone by stealing a kiss, or grabbing her cakes and ended up making things very weird between them and their lady friend.

Most men do not even know that they are trapped in the Friend Zone, all they know is that their theme song with the woman in question is , "I Can't Get Next to You". Well, The Mad Syantyst has come to help you with some indicators which will let you know when you are trapped in the zone.

  1. When a woman comes to you and lays her problems down to your ever willing ear,and you being the good buddy that you are always seem to be able to help her solve them, you are trapped in the FRIEND ZONE. After all that is what friends do.

  2. If she calls during booty call hours and needs you to come right over, and you do so and no sex ever takes place, you are in the FRIEND ZONE.

  3. If she has told all of her friends about you and how you are such a great guy, and would make someone a great boyfriend or husband but refuses to hook you up with any of them, even though it is quite obvious that she is not saving you for herself you are smack dab in the FRIEND ZONE.

  4. If she has told her entire family about her "boy" (your dumb ass), and she tells you that they often wonder why you two don't hook up, and she dismisses the thought without a second thought, man wise up you are in the FRIEND ZONE.

  5. If she will get dressed in front of you without you having to leave the room or cover your eyes, yep, you are in the FRIEND ZONE.

  6. If she will sleep in the same bed with you and there is no spooning during the night or cuddling regardless of how cold it may get, you are sleeping with the enemy in the FRIEND ZONE.

  7. If you are relegated to boyfriend duties when she doesnít have a man such as, helping her move, killing or disposing of rodents and bugs in her home, going shopping so that she can get a manís opinion, helping her shop for a new car, fixing her car, etc., you are permanently booked in the Hotel Friend Zone.

  8. When she queries you on the whys and whatnots of her latest relationship and why her man is not "acting right", and you are the handyman that fixes all of her broken relationships, yoo hoo, Overton, you're in the FRIEND ZONE.

  9. When she describes her perfect man and all of the qualities she is looking for lie in you but she canít see it to save her life, when even Stevie Wonder can see it and Ray Charles can vouch for him, you are helplessly trapped in the FRIEND ZONE.

  10. If she ever tells you, "You know you are just like a brother to me." This is the bell tolling, you will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER have a romantic relationship with this woman. Give it up, she would never dream of committing incest and doing the nasty with you, not even in the FRIEND ZONE.

  11. If kisses b/w you and a woman only involve her lips and your cheeks or forehead, and said female is not a relative, you are sinking faster than a midget on his knees in the quick sand of the FRIEND ZONE.

  12. If she sees you at a party and freaks you all night, keeping you off other prospects, and then has the unmitigated gall to leave with another dude. Giving you the honor of preheating her oven for someone else's bread, there is no doubt, you are chilling hard in the no humpy section of the FRIEND ZONE.

  13. If she caresses and touches you in all the right places thinking that she is not arousing you, you know rubbing your ears, your chest, your neck and such, you may be getting felt up but you are getting felt up in the FRIEND ZONE and all bets are still off.

  14. If everyone in the world thinks that you two are bumping uglies and you have nary grazed a nipple or touched her sexually, you have a one way ticket to the FRIEND ZONE.

  15. If you have been sweating her hard for months or years and one day she wants the 411 on one of your boys, you just bought the farm in the FRIEND ZONE.

  16. If she ever says, "If we are so close how come you donít find someone nice for me to hook up with." Ah waiter, seating one in FRIEND ZONE please.

  17. If you know all of her favorite sexual positions and hot spots and she yours, and you two have never practiced, player take off your cleats, you will not score in the FRIEND ZONE.

  18. If you and the term buddy are ever associated with each other. Yep you guessed it.

  19. If when introducing you to someone she says, "Oh, he's just a friend." She may got what you need Bizmarkie, but she say you just a friend in the FRIEND ZONE.