Trapped in the Friend Zone
Scotty Brooks ~ The Mad Afrikan
There exists a place of frustration aplenty. Where many a man has found
himself hopelessly trapped, unable to escape. A fortified fortress, so
impenetrable that were he a real man Hercules himself could not conquer.
This colorless, odorless, place of existence is called The Friend Zone. If you want to know what it is like being
trapped in the Friend Zone imagine a mime attempting to get out of a
box, you know that stupid trick they do. The one where there is nothing but
air around them but for the life of them they are unable to get
out of that ephemeral box. One would be hard pressed to find a man that
has not been trapped in the Friend Zone. This zone is the place
where a woman that you are friends with, but would like to pursue romantically,
places you when she wants to keep your relationship platonic. You
try, albeit in vain to escape, you might even be bold enough to tell her how
you really feel, all for naught.
Men must realize that the key to the Friend Zone can only be held by women and
a woman is the only one who can free you from the dreaded Friend Zone.
Many men have attempted to escape the Friend Zone by stealing a kiss, or
grabbing her cakes and ended up making things very weird between them and
their lady friend.
Most men do not even know that they are trapped in the Friend Zone, all
they know is that their theme song with the woman in question is , "I
Can't Get Next to You". Well, The Mad Syantyst has come to help you
with some indicators which will let you know when you are trapped in the
- When a woman comes to you and lays her problems down to your ever willing
ear,and you being the good buddy that you are always seem to be able to
help her solve them, you are trapped in the FRIEND ZONE. After
all that is what friends do.
- If she calls during booty call hours and needs you to come
right over, and you do so and no sex ever takes place, you are in the
- If she has told all of her friends about you and how you are such a great
guy, and would make someone a great boyfriend or husband but refuses
to hook you up with any of them, even though it is quite obvious that she is
not saving you for herself you are smack dab in the FRIEND ZONE.
- If she has told her entire family about her "boy" (your dumb ass), and
she tells you that they often wonder why you two don't hook up, and
dismisses the thought without a second thought, man wise up you are in the
- If she will get dressed in front of you without you having to leave the
room or cover your eyes, yep, you are in the FRIEND ZONE.
- If she will sleep in the same bed with you and there is no spooning during
the night or cuddling regardless of how cold it may get, you are
sleeping with the enemy in the FRIEND ZONE.
- If you are relegated to boyfriend duties when she doesnít have a man such
as, helping her move, killing or disposing of rodents and bugs in her
home, going shopping so that she can get a manís opinion, helping her shop for
a new car, fixing her car, etc., you are permanently booked in the Hotel
- When she queries you on the whys and whatnots of her latest relationship
and why her man is not "acting right", and you are the handyman that
fixes all of her broken relationships, yoo hoo, Overton, you're in the
- When she describes her perfect man and all of the qualities she is looking
for lie in you but she canít see it to save her life, when even Stevie
Wonder can see it and Ray Charles can vouch for him, you are helplessly
trapped in the FRIEND ZONE.
- If she ever tells you, "You know you are just like a brother to me."
This is the bell tolling, you will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER have a
romantic relationship with this woman. Give it up, she would never dream of
committing incest and doing the nasty with you, not even in the
- If kisses b/w you and a woman only involve her lips and your cheeks or
forehead, and said female is not a relative, you are sinking faster than
a midget on his knees in the quick sand of the FRIEND ZONE.
- If she sees you at a party and freaks you all night, keeping you off other
prospects, and then has the unmitigated gall to leave with another
dude. Giving you the honor of preheating her oven for someone else's bread,
there is no doubt, you are chilling hard in the no humpy section of the FRIEND ZONE.
- If she caresses and touches you in all the right places thinking that she
is not arousing you, you know rubbing your ears, your chest, your neck
and such, you may be getting felt up but you are getting felt up in the
FRIEND ZONE and all bets are still off.
- If everyone in the world thinks that you two are bumping uglies and you
have nary grazed a nipple or touched her sexually, you have a one way
ticket to the FRIEND ZONE.
- If you have been sweating her hard for months or years and one day she
wants the 411 on one of your boys, you just bought the farm in the
- If she ever says, "If we are so close how come you donít find someone
nice for me to hook up with." Ah waiter, seating one in FRIEND ZONE
- If you know all of her favorite sexual positions and hot spots and she
yours, and you two have never practiced, player take off your cleats,
you will not score in the FRIEND ZONE.
- If you and the term buddy are ever associated with each other. Yep you
- If when introducing you to someone she says, "Oh, he's just a
friend." She may got what you need Bizmarkie, but she say you just a
friend in the FRIEND ZONE.