Agents

Agent Nigel "The Wind" Nightstalker

This mastermind assassin in known around the globe for his unmatched stealth and lethal cunning. Rumor has it that death comes so quickly and surprisingly to his victims that it's as if their lives were carried away on a gust of cold wind on a dark night. Some argue that it's more like a stinky wind on a hot night. One expert (often viewed as a radical by his peers) even believes it to be more like "being smacked in the back of the head by small (yet incredibly lethal) meteorite" (New York Times, 7 July 1997: "Nigel Nightstalker: Homicidal Maniac or Crunchy Celery?"). It is reported that he has assassinated children as young as 3 years 7 months old, albeit for unknown reasons, as these children were not linked to mob families, drug lords, or any other criminal misconduct. He has not limited his assassinations to humans, as he has been recently linked to a string of farm animal deaths in Eastern Europe (to be exact: 2 pigs, 3 cows, numerous sheep, and even one llama, which was more of a pet than a barnyard animal).

Agent Loki

I come from a land far away. I have been sent here by a power greater than myself to discover the mysteries of the universe (through particle physics) and to kill anyone who gets in my way. I am armed with Fenrir, the wolf-spoon of death, and with Castor and Pollux, the twin socks of suffering. I can take many forms, even the form of an inconspicuous undergraduate physics intern. Beware my wrath!

Agent Shadow

Not much is know about this shady character. For those who gain the smallest knowledge soon find themselves belly up with a spoon sticking out of them. It is said that most of his victims never knew he was ever in the same room as they were. For those of you reading this profile, be forewarned that somewhere lurking in the shadows lies someone waiting for the chance to add another killto his collection. Tread carefully, for the next shadow he hides in, may be your own.

Agent Crimson Deth Meme / Maximus P

The Crimson Deth Meme is a registered super villain local 321. He is also quite insane. Suffering from a very unfortunate form of multiple personality disorder, he is the only super villian who is also his own arch-nemesis. Surprisingly, nobody, not even The Crimson Deth Meme, or Maximus P themselves (or is it himself) is aware of the problem. So it follows directly that among their other powers, CDM and Maximus P both have the ability to change their outfits in an incredibly short time. The Crimson Deth Meme has as lackeys such infamous personalities as The Creped Crusader (he's French), Captain Piety, and Amy Feng. Having been born in Hoboken New Jersey, he decided that he should make that town his base of operations. His power is Meme Power in which The Crimson Deth Meme can transfer to anyone any meme at all. For instance the "You'll Put That Gun Down and Run Away" meme will make the victim do just that. The most feared meme in his arsenal is the crimson death meme, which is said to be worse for your state of health than the fierce Midget Pirates of Willygoat (who also happen to work for The CDM). Nobody who has seen it work has lived to tell the tale. It is a small point of trivia that though he wanted to name himself after the crimson death meme, the super villian registration form allowed one two few characters. On the other side of the coin, or rather the person, is Maximus P, whose desire for goodness is matched only by his overuse of cliches. Among his friends one finds Super Model, Industrial Lathe Man, and Indecisive Boy. The power of overwhelming guilt is used to great effect by Maximus P to cause evildoers to rethink their life of crime. Many a criminal has turned himself in after meeting the "Gaze of Guilt." Also, Maximus P can in make any sound. Well, in theory he can make any sound, but in general he ends up sounding like a sick synthesizer. Though he has never met The Crimson Deth Meme, Maximus P has dedicated his life to thwarting him at every opportunity.

Agent Smiley

Height: unknown Weight: unknown Age: unknown Gender: unknown Apperance: unknown Last seen: never Last victim: CIA operative F. Rown Very little is known about "Agent Smiley" except that his victims all seem to die with smiles on their faces. The CIA has been unable to track his/her whereabouts. He/She is suspected of being a former CIA agent given his/her ability to move around undetected. Agent Smiley's last victim was hit in the middle of a CIA research facility demonstrating his/her ability to gain access to our government's most sensitive and best protected areas. One commonality to all of Agent Smiley's victims is their occupation as either theoretical or experimental physicists. While this rasies the possibility that his serial killings have been a holy crusade against science, this cannot be verified and is thus of little use.

Agent Corporal Punishment

Corporal Punishment achieved his rank in the Philippine National Armed Regiment at the age of 7. However, he was never promoted further due to an injury he incurred while playing Ultimate Ninja Star. Put on extremely high doses of pain medication for his treatment, he was no longer permitted to operate arms or heavy machinery, and was forced to spend the rest of his military career as an assistant cook in the mess hall. For 15 years he slaved over the stove, all the while secretly training under his master chef, the infamous Sir Bertrand Cedric Cornwallis III, Esquire, in the deadly arts of spoon combat (due to its bluntness, this was the only utensil Corporal Punishment was allowed to wield). Upon the death of his tutor, Cpl. Punishment discharged from the military, and having no other skills, he fell into poverty, supporting himself by various short-lived jobs including 4 months as a break-dancing tour guide in Minsk. He can be heard playing saxophone on the soundtrack to Real Genius. He was most recently seen on Broadway during a brief stint performing in “Bob Saget on Ice.” But these endeavors did not pay the bills, and he was eventually reduced to squirrel-fishing in the parks of Ithaca. As years of malnutrition and bitterness twisted his brain, he finally snapped and vowed to slaughter all who stand in the way of him achieving his real dream: to become a published particle physicist. With no formal education, he has no means of beating out anyone for a position in the 2004 REU program, so he must kill them all and claim their work as his own.

Agent Bobo

My name's Austin. Austin Pavilion. The lone monkey in the Lone Star State. But you can call me Bobo. I am a special agent in the League for the Equality and Promotion of Primates (LEPP). My work has brought me far from my jungle homeland. I was quite reluctant to leave at first. However, the recruiter offered me many perks, one of which is a custom built sports car with a chauffeur. As you might guess, I love taking road trips. In fact, you might find me wandering around Ithaca, NY right now as I work on my latest mission - killing those cold-hearted, deceiving things in this world who try to attack! Beware. I will hunt you down before you even have a chance. Be very scared.

Agent Cornpuff

Reared in a remote locale, Agent Cornpuff was trained day and night to become a circus clown. Unfortunately, Cornpuff was violently ill on the day of the Barnum and Bailey audition, and while trying desperately to become a member of the clown squad, threw up on the director's new suit, forever banned from the circus. So Cornpuff fell back on an old hobby, and became an assassin.

Agent Mr. Pooper

Agent The One

Agent Sync

Sync, short for synchronization was given to him by the authorities due to his infallible ability to time his assignations. Being the ruler of time, his master weapon, the spoon was chiseled out of the most exotic materials available to Kirkpatrick Macmillan, and in his honor his weapon of choice is called The Macmillianator. For those of you, who shall be his victim, beware, that the hands of time are slowly moving towards synchronizations.

Agent Black Dog

Agent Black Dog, the last known remaining pirate of the old code, makes his home on the high seas in his nefarious vessel, the Yaaarrrr!!! (so named when its price was quoted to him by its previous owner, since deceased). He often sails with the feared Silent Parrot, a Norwegian Blue from a seedy pet shop somewhere in England, and El Bobo the Pirate, and organ grinder's monkey from central America. Agent Black Dog is a master of disguise, and may conceal his beard, hook, missing eye and peg leg while on assignment. He is highly elusive, and has been known to sail in on a dark night, gore half of a sleeping town with his wicked hook, and then dissappear back out to sea, lauging maniacially and screaming "ARRR YE LAND LUBBERS!" in his wake. His recent targets include several identical pet shop owners, an organ grinder, and a ferret that he caught looking at him funny out of his missing eye.

Agent Diabla

I am the shadow that flaps in the night. I am the annoying guy who sets off the interlocks. I am AGENT DIABLA! With my trusty sock of despair and spoon of doom, I shall dispatch thee to from whence I came. Mwahahahahaha! Beware!

Agent Q